The Love Vl Pt lll (Artwork)
Amera Ziganii Rao © Digital Darkroom Art
Hierophant Knowledge :: Love. The Psychology Pt ll. Men with Women of Power. Susan Edwards
Belief Systems. As a Man Thinketh. When Men Believe in Love (1995). Susan Edwards
Interpersonal Relationships
Individual belief systems affect action towards others, in both professional and personal contexts. One of the beliefs of particular interest here involves parity: being in the same state of power. Equality is a construct fundamental to democracy. Parity is equality applied at a basic, everyday level. The stories in this section illustrate parity as part of a belief system that results in similarities in the behaviour of men across different situations. Men who believe in parity listen, respect others and understand that sharing power doesn’t mean they get less; it means that the mutual outcome is often more.
Parity
Walter Fox, MD, is a native of Winnipeg, Canada. He has worked in a variety of private as well as public hospitals and outpatient clinics over the course of his forty-five year career. Dr Fox believes in the concept of parity. As a result his work with patients has been characterized by mutual learning. We worked together at a clinic some years ago. I was always impressed with his genuine caring for psychiatric patients, who are often treated without dignity by a culture which understands little about mental health. Walter shared some of his ideas in an essay called, ‘What My Patients Have Taught Me.’ It views health care from the other way around – from what providers can learn from those they serve. Parity is implicit here, as one can only learn from those one considers thoughtfully.
He recalls a speech by Dr Karl Menninger in 1944.
It was at the beginning of my career when I first heard him speak. He was presenting on what makes mental hospital care successful. Karl Menninger was a superb teacher, a speaker of flamboyant eloquence and an individual who changed the field of mental health care just by being in it. A giant in the field, his influence affected me as a young psychiatrist. I recall with surprise him speaking about love. He said something like,
If we can love, this is the touchstone – the key to all therapeutic programmes of the contemporary psychiatric hospital. It should dominate the behaviour of all staff from the director through the gardener, the housekeeper and clerk. To our patient we can say, “As you and we come to understand you and your life better, the warmth of love will begin to replace anguish, and you will find yourself getting well.”
It is significant to note that Walter’s comments about Dr Menninger reflect a dynamic which is still important today: the influence of psychological models and mentors. Something important happens within an individual who comes in contact with another in the same field or walk of life who inspires or offers a new approach to a common situation. The combined effort of ideas and individual can be quite significant......
....Identity in Men Involved with Women of Power
Three men involved with powerful women. Two are married to business executives; one shares what he learned from his experience with a woman who subsequently became a Ph.D. clinical psychologist. All three men see their identity as a man as separate from the relationship and enhanced by the status of the woman they are involved with. In their belief system, association with a wife’s or girlfriend’s status does not diminish or detract from their identity as a man; it is viewed as a plus. It enriches the relationship.
Larry is a thirty-four year old American whose father’s grandparents were born in Italy and his mother’s in Poland. His is single, an industrial engineer and a man who has worked hard since age fourteen when he got his first job. His friends are both single and married, in their twenties and thirties. An attractive man who lifts weights, works out and owns an Arabian horse, Larry shared some of his beliefs about himself as a man involved with a professional woman (a Ph.D. clinical psychologist).
“If men in the eighties were into money, men in the nineties are into love. I think it involves intimacy, a sharing type of love with sex as one part. Both people give to the relationship. It’s not all the man’s responsibility. Each person can survive on their own – it’s not that they can’t live without each other or that the other person is somehow attached so they’re living through you. Each has self-respect as well as respect for the partner. You have respect for the other person’s opinion and don’t expect them always to agree with you.
I have some friends who can’t accept their wife not agreeing with them. They take it as criticism when it’s just that she has a different view because she’s a different person. After being with my partner so long, I respect that she’s very smart and has a way of looking at things that’s different from mine. And she can tell me in a manner that doesn’t hurt or offend me. That I can accept this without viewing it as a negative says I have self-esteem.”
One part of the belief system, here, involves the acceptance of differences and another part involves the presence of self-esteem. Another involves a positive self-image – the man sees himself as a valuable, whole person and the relationship with the woman as a place for mutuality of exchange.
“When a man sees himself with a professional woman, he’s still the same person – he doesn’t have to view himself any differently; it’s just she’s open to different opinions and ideas from the guy because she can stand her ground just like I can stand my ground. If a woman is not a professional, she might think she shouldn’t stand up to you and just go by your opinion because you’re the man or one with more self-esteem or confidence. When a woman does stand up for her opinion, I see her as having a lot of self-confidence and self-esteem.
Some of Joan’s opinions have opened my eyes to a different perspective. After being with her I could never go back to a woman who had no professional ambition, no opinions or low self-esteem. I’ve come to learn that I really value her judgment, and we respect each other. And we have learned so much from each other.”
Reciprocity is maintained - the give and take of a relationship - and also applies to the mutuality of sharing information. Here, Larry explains that it adds a dimension of interest in a relationship he is not willing to do without.
He also adds this:
“My parents didn’t have a relationship like this - neither had been to college and my mother was a traditional person. She raised the kids, and my father brought home the income. I learned an alternative model from my first girlfriend – at fifteen – and it continued to develop over time.”
Within this context, differences enhance the relationship; they don’t detract from it.
“She was smarter than I was, but we just grew a lot together and were able to share. There were analytical things in her life that I liked, and things that were not so analytical in my life that she liked. It was never a difference of who was better. We never gave each other that feeling. Even though I envied her intelligence as she is very smart, I was recreational and more skilled in some ways that was just a good mix. She encouraged me to put more emphasis on my education, and I encouraged her to be more fun-loving. Each person was equal but in different realms.”
The benefits? Larry goes on to explain that he wouldn’t want a traditional relationship in which a woman is at his beck and call. Instead, he identifies the gains in one type of power (affiliative) exchanged for another (coercive or ‘beck and call’ power).
“For me, a good relationship is one that gives me the chance to grow independently without feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. Things become not my sole responsibility or obligation (like the children or the house) but our decision (it’s ours, not mine. It brings self-worth to both of us, not just one). And I like that.”
The stories of two other men echo some of the same ideas. They have, in their belief systems, elements that make it possible for them to maintain successful behaviour toward themselves and the women they are married to. In both cases, they describe the women, who work in very different fields than they do, with respect and admiration. One man, Derek, was born in Ireland; the other one, Robert, is Italian-American.
Derek Peterson, 30, describes the transition from being single to being married, which he went through a few years ago. He married an advertising executive highly regarded in her field.
“When you’re single, you make your own decisions. When you’re in a relationship, you have to accept the other’s influence. I think this is harder for the man to accept – the woman’s influence. When I was single, I thought the man was always right. However, I married an advertising executive – and now I find myself standing back to think about what she said. I find myself often realising that she has a point. This was a change for me. I was raised with the idea that the man did all the thinking.
I was born in Dublin and in my background, the father was the one in control of everything. My mother had influence over the meal and the home. My father, who was a taxi driver all his life, had control of the rest. When he passed away, I had to go and sort everything out because I was the son.
In my marriage we’re both doing the work. My wife will ask me to do something and I’ll do it. I’m easygoing and she tends to worry. There’s a balance because we’re so different, although it’s hard sometimes, too.”
Again, here part of the belief system is that different does not mean bad – it’s just different – and can be a source of balance in a relationship. Also, in an open and objective belief system, a man’s identity comes fundamentally from a belief in himself. Therefore, the focus is on him and not a set of fixed behaviours. In Ireland and in his family growing up, the male did the thinking and had the control. However, in Derek’s present home, both partners share the thinking as well as the work to be done. In addition, emotional commitment is strong.
“I’m more willing to listen than I have been in other relationships. This is for fifty years, not until the next one comes along. I only want one marriage and this is it. What is it about this one that makes me feel that way? I enjoy being with her and I never get bored. We don’t have a lot of the same hobbies but we can talk. She’s a good person, she’s strong, and she is good for me as well. She’s very organised and together. And physical appearance is part of it.”
Part of his transition, then, was brought about by a desire to be with this particular woman. The motivation for change came from a sense of the comfort and enjoyment he felt with Marie and the knowledge that this was not the type of woman who wanted to have him do the thinking for her. Derek continued:
“I had a tendency of holding back – I know that’s a male thing. I’d let something build up and then be mad – in a bad humour – and then I’d let it out and give Marie a hard time instead of confronting the problem here and now. She has more of a tendency if she has a problem to deal with it straight away.”
And a reference to parity again:
“In other relationships I was always in control. This one – she has just as much input and I had to get used to that. This one wasn’t so easy. With other women I pretty much went out when I pleased. With this one I had to get used to not always being in charge and let her have more. Subconsciously, I think I want to control her, but I’m also fairly proud of her and what she can achieve. I’m happy she has a great job, makes a good income and is an interesting person. I really love Marie, want to spend time with her and have always been quite thankful for the good things that have come my way.”
Derek has included the importance of achieving goals into his belief system. And that she is a person of achievement is something he values about Marie as well.
“I work hard and have been appreciative of my good luck. And I keep doing things – making long-term plans, achieving in school and building a business. I can’t just bob along; I have to be aiming for things.”
Larry, Derek, and other men who value women of achievement, then, have a sense of achieving of their own. Their belief systems about being a man and being with a woman of high status are congruent; that is, they see no problem with having both together.
One final vignette in this section is shared by Robert Leone, an Italian-American who works as a hair stylist at a local salon. Fundamentally an artist, Robert is successful in his field and has a loyal clientele among wealthy Princeton families. His wife Georgia is a business executive who flies around in the corporate jet and is picked up by the company limousine when her plane lands.
The two met years ago when they both had an interest in cosmetology. He owned and operated two salons; she has just graduated from a training programme. They attended a business seminar at a local hotel, and Robert and a colleague, both attendees, were just leaving the dining room. As he walked out into the hotel lobby, Robert saw a young woman seated in a large woven wing-back chair. The chair was so large and the woman so small that the contrast was surprising. When he glanced over, their eyes met – just for an instant – and then he was gone.
Later that morning, as the seminar was about to begin, the same woman entered the classroom and sat down beside Robert. They started talking and were together the rest of the weekend. Their first date was spent at a friend’s wedding; the second was with other friends for a week in Florida; and then they became engaged. They were married approximately seven months later and have been together ever since.
In the mind of her husband, she is still the same young woman he saw sitting in that big, big chair in 1973, more than twenty years ago. They are both artistic, relate on the level of beauty, as well as shared values about love, family, cooking and opera; and are still happy with themselves and each other.
The paradigm here involves a visual picture of the essence of the person – in this case, the wife – which remains unchanged though the status of the woman has changed in the outside world. In the husband’s belief system, the wife’s success is one element of her person; the original image is the essence and so he remains unthreatened. He is pleased with her success and shares the happiness with her. He is her biggest fan.
This chapter presents one idea in many contexts. The importance of a belief system is reviewed here, along with its relationship to behaviour.
Men’s belief systems affect their behaviour.
Some belief systems are healthier than others. As a result, some men’s behaviour is healthier than others.
There are certain kinds of belief systems – application of the scientific method, reliance on codes of ethics, belief in parity, for example – which result in similar functioning across situations. The men might be different but their actions may be comparable.
Men whose belief system includes sharing power listen. By sharing power and listening, problems are more readily solved and new directions are attainable.
Men who become involved with women of accomplishment may do so because they choose to and because they find doing so congruent with maintaining a personal identity as a loving, valuable man.
On a personal note from Susan Edwards
Belief systems are acted out in behaviour. As they change, so does behaviour. This principle is perhaps the most important reason for choosing a continuing commitment to personal growth and change. Learning is a lifelong process; it does not stop with high school or college graduation. It does not stop with union acceptance or professional status attainment. It goes on.
The world is constantly changing. Science and technology are evolving. Definitions of formalized religion, spirituality, economic security, nationalism and even love are being restructured. The ability to learn and grow allows us to keep equilibrium. Understanding allows us to recognise what is out of balance and make adjustments. It is part of being self-aware.
SUSAN EDWARDS Ph.D. WHEN MEN BELEIVE IN LOVE
Other Links
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Marilyn Monroe. Cleopatra. Amera Ziganii Rao
Fiction Snippet. The Model. Anais Nin
When Men Believe in Love. Susan Edwards
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Amera Ziganii Rao. A Profile
WRITER. ESOTERIC. PHILOSOPHER. ENLIGHTENER. INSPIRER. PHOTOGRAPHER. ARTIST. SELF ACTUALISATION. LIBERATION. SEXUALISATION. HUMAN RIGHTS
Amera Ziganii Rao is a philosophical writer, essayist, social commentator, cultural commentator, spiritual commentator, prose writer, dramatist and photographer as well as a consciousness explorer, mystic, self actualiser and emotional healer. She is a former hard news journalist who is now turning professional with her art forms and indeed, her healing forms, after a long journey of inner searching, self teaching and exploring many layers and areas of both craft and wisdom. She is now working on her first book of philosophy and esoteric thought, and social, cultural and spiritual commentary. She is also showing her first photography collections. And last but most definitely not least, she is building a business to share her consciousness and empowering explorations to reach as many people as possible across the world. She is in her forties and lives in London.
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