My Story. Releasing a broken heart.
Understanding once and for all, that there is no support for me, emotionally, or in any other unconditional way, from anyone that I have ever wanted as family. Nothing has changed from the time when my father used to teach me that if I wanted to follow my heart, I would have to do it alone and without any support from him. Nothing has changed, terrestrially or celestially. And understanding finally, that this is not my failure and that people are unsupported in a hundred different ways in life, and that any hope for a utopia of heaven on earth is delusion, illusion and just not a part of my life. There is no love, there is no support and there is nothing from family. Friendship is all that I can have. And then home alone, always, because I have the audacity to want to be me. That is my broken heart and has been there for 38 years since I was eight. I have to finally accept it and move on and live, despite it all. And value the friends who do love me and give thanks for them for real.
Enlightenment. I may still only have my career and absolutely nothing else in this shitty, awful life, at the age of 46, but after 14 years of the most gruelling and lonely physical and emotional pain, I at last have myself, my self esteem, and the ability to be both female and male. The journey to become whole is ugly, there is no support from a loving universe, unless you do what you are told, but yes, it is worth it. Let's get on with it. And forget the rest.
Either we are fallen angels in atonement and repentence and endless karmic clearing, or we are heroes, here to make the journey to soul and experience and show the way back to true love or Eden. In either possibility is the reality that my life is a nightmare and I hate it.
I accept the terms and accept the next stage of my life. Career and vocation, what I have had to fight my man so hard over, and being thrown out of Eden once again, for the privilege, in a Patriarchal Womb Stealing Tribe Society world of objectification, male selfishness and pussy hunting men of ugliness and war and fear. Career and vocation are mine, while he makes the journey to become soul and love, despite all the odds and in spite of all the simply disgusting teachings of his forefathers.
So for me, the road is clear. Ongoing physical pain and disability, being poorer than I have ever been in my life, resurrecting a professional life alone, after 14 years in the underworld, alone, and no family whatsoever. The knowledge that the Universe does not give a shit about me or anyone. And that the rest is up to me. I do like ascension.
And my choice is stark. Either I become Dracula or Heathcliffe once again or I alchemise this horrible cruel life into love. Once again. My twin soul and I love each other through the layers of ego sheit, I have a few very special friends who let me stomp and shout and who have been there for me in such priceless ways of late, and my twin soul and I have each other's support, in the way it counts.
The rest is the bitter 'loneliness of the long distance runner', both terrestrially and celestially. The life of atonement and ascension and transforming from one existence to another. Apparently, a life of liberation, apparently the life that leads to Nirvana and happiness for the first time ever. No one told me it would be so relentlessly long and awful, thankless and painful.
Fine. Let's get on with it and forget the rest. I prove to myself once again, that it is me who loves, me who is love and me who is of love.
But not for me, the appeasements of grace, surrender or empty humility of soul. I am human and I am divine. And while I take comfort from the other masters of mind, I know that now I have finally accepted that my life is the shittiest I could ever have imagined, the liberation and peace within that is fine. We all do it differently and even spiritually, that is the most important thing. Acceptance is the final stage of grief and I have been in grief since the day I was born.
I hate this life, I hate this existence and I never wanted to be here. And the single thing I have ever wanted, I just have not been able to have. And all the journey showed me, was the why of it, not the how. To know that men are built to kill, maim, hurt and destroy anything they want to love. Not because of who they are, but because they are born to be slaves, even more than women.
And that my life, as a woman from the Patriarchal Womb Stealing Tribe Society has only been about one thing. Reversing the feeling of chattelship, being a servant and having no belief in my capability, in a hollow, senseless world of no love or feeling or passion or soul of any kind. It's done. I have myself. At last I can at least show up to a professional existence as a self loving human being.
The broken heart was not needed. I had already done it. But this new layer of duty, work, pain and solitude is just for the hell of it. The final lesson of humility and trust in a universe that can only hate me.
They say it is atonement, repentence, karmic clearing and purgatory. The self responsibility of lifetimes of rage and pain coming back to haunt me. And nothing can help it. Even the modern spirituals talk of grace, reverence and humility. To what? A universe that forces you to be everything you do not want. An existence where peace of mind only comes if you are in alignment with your soul and nothing else. A place where free will is 'fuck you and get on with it my way or nothing', celestially, let alone terrestrially.
Genie
Understanding once and for all, that there is no support for me, emotionally, or in any other unconditional way, from anyone that I have ever wanted as family. Nothing has changed from the time when my father used to teach me that if I wanted to follow my heart, I would have to do it alone and without any support from him. Nothing has changed, terrestrially or celestially. And understanding finally, that this is not my failure and that people are unsupported in a hundred different ways in life, and that any hope for a utopia of heaven on earth is delusion, illusion and just not a part of my life. There is no love, there is no support and there is nothing from family. Friendship is all that I can have. And then home alone, always, because I have the audacity to want to be me. That is my broken heart and has been there for 38 years since I was eight. I have to finally accept it and move on and live, despite it all. And value the friends who do love me and give thanks for them for real.
Enlightenment. I may still only have my career and absolutely nothing else in this shitty, awful life, at the age of 46, but after 14 years of the most gruelling and lonely physical and emotional pain, I at last have myself, my self esteem, and the ability to be both female and male. The journey to become whole is ugly, there is no support from a loving universe, unless you do what you are told, but yes, it is worth it. Let's get on with it. And forget the rest.
Either we are fallen angels in atonement and repentence and endless karmic clearing, or we are heroes, here to make the journey to soul and experience and show the way back to true love or Eden. In either possibility is the reality that my life is a nightmare and I hate it.
I accept the terms and accept the next stage of my life. Career and vocation, what I have had to fight my man so hard over, and being thrown out of Eden once again, for the privilege, in a Patriarchal Womb Stealing Tribe Society world of objectification, male selfishness and pussy hunting men of ugliness and war and fear. Career and vocation are mine, while he makes the journey to become soul and love, despite all the odds and in spite of all the simply disgusting teachings of his forefathers.
So for me, the road is clear. Ongoing physical pain and disability, being poorer than I have ever been in my life, resurrecting a professional life alone, after 14 years in the underworld, alone, and no family whatsoever. The knowledge that the Universe does not give a shit about me or anyone. And that the rest is up to me. I do like ascension.
And my choice is stark. Either I become Dracula or Heathcliffe once again or I alchemise this horrible cruel life into love. Once again. My twin soul and I love each other through the layers of ego sheit, I have a few very special friends who let me stomp and shout and who have been there for me in such priceless ways of late, and my twin soul and I have each other's support, in the way it counts.
The rest is the bitter 'loneliness of the long distance runner', both terrestrially and celestially. The life of atonement and ascension and transforming from one existence to another. Apparently, a life of liberation, apparently the life that leads to Nirvana and happiness for the first time ever. No one told me it would be so relentlessly long and awful, thankless and painful.
Fine. Let's get on with it and forget the rest. I prove to myself once again, that it is me who loves, me who is love and me who is of love.
But not for me, the appeasements of grace, surrender or empty humility of soul. I am human and I am divine. And while I take comfort from the other masters of mind, I know that now I have finally accepted that my life is the shittiest I could ever have imagined, the liberation and peace within that is fine. We all do it differently and even spiritually, that is the most important thing. Acceptance is the final stage of grief and I have been in grief since the day I was born.
I hate this life, I hate this existence and I never wanted to be here. And the single thing I have ever wanted, I just have not been able to have. And all the journey showed me, was the why of it, not the how. To know that men are built to kill, maim, hurt and destroy anything they want to love. Not because of who they are, but because they are born to be slaves, even more than women.
And that my life, as a woman from the Patriarchal Womb Stealing Tribe Society has only been about one thing. Reversing the feeling of chattelship, being a servant and having no belief in my capability, in a hollow, senseless world of no love or feeling or passion or soul of any kind. It's done. I have myself. At last I can at least show up to a professional existence as a self loving human being.
The broken heart was not needed. I had already done it. But this new layer of duty, work, pain and solitude is just for the hell of it. The final lesson of humility and trust in a universe that can only hate me.
They say it is atonement, repentence, karmic clearing and purgatory. The self responsibility of lifetimes of rage and pain coming back to haunt me. And nothing can help it. Even the modern spirituals talk of grace, reverence and humility. To what? A universe that forces you to be everything you do not want. An existence where peace of mind only comes if you are in alignment with your soul and nothing else. A place where free will is 'fuck you and get on with it my way or nothing', celestially, let alone terrestrially.
Genie
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