What karma intended for me; no love, no life, no desire, no ambition, no wants, no dreams, no hopes, nothing. Just being nothing. Well, why the fuck didn't you tell me that 38 years ago? What a waste of a 'life'. I accept. I am nothing and I want nothing. And I certainly do not want love or a life anymore. I want nothing.
I enter the realms of the living death consciously now. I love myself, I live with myself and I am myself and I need nor want anything more. I accept annhihilation on Earth and in heaven. I accept that I 'deserve' neither love nor a life. Because that is your system and your karmic justice. Fuck you and fuck life.
But no, I am no longer angry. I am dead as you wanted. Existence, in your system, is a complete and utter waste of time. Thanks for the experience.
'Hate's what got me in here. Love's what's gonna get me out'. Hurricane.
After converting through alchemy, every single level of hate in me, into love, the Universe and my life's circumstances now tell me that I have to live as if I am dead. Without any wants, ambitions, needs or love. Other peoples' love that is. I have love and I am love in buckets. Proved through relentless, detailed tests over 14 straight years, in a 38 year journey through hell, which started at the age of 8 when I first had the privilege to be spiritually conscious. When I first knew I was in hell.
Now, after climbing every excruciating step, consciously and with dedication, humility, forebearance and grace, I am now told that the same determination and visionary awareness that brought me here, now has to go and that I have to live as if I am dead. Without anything or anyone.
The same determination, faith and strength that took me out of a family of hate, a life of shallowness and greed and over ambition and empowered me enough to face every bully I have ever come across in life, so that I could have self esteem and self knowledge and know how to handle the hate in the world with grace rather than violence and pain. I did all that, through 14 years of immense physical pain and suffering. And aloneness and the requirement to commune with you and no one else.
And now, I feel more imprisoned than I ever have before in my so called life. I built the tunnel, climbed through the miles of excrement, as in Stephen King's 'Shawshank Redemption' and am now being told that I have to build a new tunnel and wade through another tunnel of excrement, before I can be free on Earth.
The high life is a Soul life is the worst fate on Earth. I followed my heart and it led me deeper into hell than I could ever have imagined possible. In the 14th year, the 14th hour and the 14th level of purgatory.
Me, myself and I. There is nothing else. Thank you God for the privilege of this aware existence. I have now lived all three Matrix films and have crucified myself, beyond crucifixion. Is that love enough for you yet? Oh. No, it isn't.
Amera Ziganii Rao ©
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